Children Only Have One Childhood, So Don’t Give Them The Grown-Up Jobs

The day we bought our house in Missouri, I was the worst version of myself.

Half of my family was still packing up our big, beautiful, wonderful house
in Arkansas. The house where we had loved so many “bonus kids.” The
house where we made a magical garden and built a beehive and hosted pizza
nights with dear friends.

My teenage daughters and I had come up before everyone else so they could
attend color guard camp and I could close on the new house–the one we had
chosen hastily in the one day we were able to go house hunting. The one that
would introduce us to the concept of HOA membership (and the related concept of
a 4-foot limit for fence height).

This was when Covid was in full swing, so the girls and I sat in the parking
lot of the title company while I signed all the documents to complete the sale.
With each signature and initial, my heart began pounding faster. I handed the
packet back to the closer.

“Congratulations!” she said.

I rolled up the window. For weeks, I had been the cheerleader,
power-of-positive thinker, and bull-by-the-horns grabber for all of us. But now
grief, panic, and uncertainty took control of my mind and my tongue.

“I HATE this house!” I exclaimed, weeping. “And now we’re
chained to it for thirty years. I hate EVERYTHING! I want to go home!”

I know what you’re thinking. And you’re right. This was not the moment for a
meltdown. Because I wasn’t alone in that car. I glanced up in the rearview
mirror and saw their wide eyes.

I have seen what happens when the grown-up can’t do her job. Either a)
nobody does the job, and there are consequences or b) the child does the job,
and there are consequences.

Cassidy had her own white whale to fight that day–a hardcore dance audition
that she was in no way prepared for with her sweet, small town studio
background. She needed support and confidence. I was a basket case. So, no
confidence to spare.

Merrilee was the one to step up and be the adult. She was a rising high
school junior at the time. Cassidy had chosen a paint swatch for her room.
Merrilee spent the afternoon painting that room and listening to me process my feelings.
She pointed out great features of our house. She helped me turn my mindset
around.

I have apologized to my girls for that day, and they have offered their
forgiveness. Our relationship is stronger because of it. But only because
that’s not a pattern in our family dynamic.

Ask any teacher, and she’ll tell you that there are tons of adults in the
world doing all the kid jobs. They do amazing science fair projects. They pick
up after their kids. They solve all their problems. They deflect every natural
consequence like a forcefield. It’s a problem. Please let kids do the kid jobs.
It’s a necessary part of their growth and development.

But listen, grown-ups. Kids were not built to do our jobs, either. Kids do
kid jobs. Grown-ups do grown-up jobs.

What does that look like, you ask?

It means adults don’t look to children to meet ANY of their emotional needs.

Families don’t burden their children with the sordid details of their
divorce, nor do they expect their kids to take sides.

Teachers don’t look to their students for affirmation or an ego boost.

Athletes can do their best on the field without worrying about the fallout
from the adults if they fall short of victory.

Strong students don’t have to prove their worth by making perfect grades.

Kids don’t smile and act natural and keep up appearances to hide someone’s
addiction.

Little people don’t spend their childhoods compensating for the dysfunction
of their big people.

If you’re reading this list and thinking “Oh, crap! I’ve done some of
these things!” you’re not alone. I’ve been there several times during my
parenting journey and even once or twice in my classroom.

Here’s a thought experiment I have found helpful. When I become aware that
some big feelings are taking me for a ride (which sometimes takes a minute…or
a helpful observer to point out), I force myself to pause, then I ask the
question:

Am I looking for something from these children that I should not expect them
to give me?

If the answer is yes, I find a grown-up to assist me with my grown-up
problems. That could be a spouse, a friend, a doctor, a therapist, a coworker,
etc. And there’s no shame in that. In fact, it is the most grown-up action I
could take at that point.

Children only have one childhood.